Author’s Note: Due to no post last week there will be two posts this week. Unless I chop off my fingers. Then there will not be a second post this week.

It’s time I addressed a major issue. One that is standing in the way of me cooking my way through The Food Lab. No, there are no food allergies or intolerances keeping me from making every single recipe in this book. I once ate a ham sandwich with mayonnaise that had been expired for over two years. I’m pretty sure my iron stomach can survive pretty much anything. This issue is a matter of taste and a matter of much controversy.

I don’t like breakfast.

When I tell people I don’t like breakfast they act like I hit their dog with my car. On purpose. Breakfast is a religion. Actually it’s more than a religion. Most people are more passionate about their breakfast beliefs than they are about their spiritual ones. I’ve never been punched by someone when I’ve told them I’m not Catholic. I was hit when I asked a friend, “Why do people like scrambled eggs?”

Sesame Street taught me that breakfast is, “The Most Important Meal of the Day.” It sounds good. But did you know that Sesame Street’s principal sponsor at the time (at least in my home town) was Ralston Purina, a subsidiary of RalCorp who currently own 42 different breakfast cereal brands? Their brand family includes a cereal called Frosted Flakes with a white polar bear mascot. I think his catch phrase is, “Theyyyyyy’re similar.”

RalCorp is also owned by ConAgra foods, who in turn owns the Egg Beaters brand of processed egg product. Do I need to spell it out? We’ve all been brainwashed into believing that breakfast is important by Big Breakfast and their corporate interests. We’re all just cogs in a capitalist machine powered by whole grains, man.

I will occasionally have breakfast pizza. Which is what I call normal pizza when I eat it for breakfast after it’s been sitting on the counter for 12 hours.

Mostly though, I’m just not hungry in the morning. Plus, I think a club sandwich is a better way to kill a hangover than a pan-fried chicken fetus.

This is the problem. There are 88 pages dedicated to breakfast food in The Food Lab I will eventually have to tackle. Yet, I’m staunchly opposed to most things breakfast food. So I’ve decided to tackle this problem the way any responsible adult would.

Grab a beer and make the best of it.

I’m making Potato Hash with Peppers and Onions (Page 140), which is apparently just everything in the refrigerator thrown in a pan, fried and covered in eggs.

I’ll be using two cast irons for this dish, my trusty old cast-iron pan, Mama Cast, and a 4 Hands Brewing Company Cast Iron Oatmeal Brown. Actually, a few Cast Iron Oatmeal Browns.

Since I was drinking, I took time-stamped notes as I proceeded, in order to avoid missing anything. Here’s how the whole thing progressed for this “15-minute” recipe.

7:05 – I have begun peeling potatoes.

7:15 – I am still peeling potatoes.

7:16 – I create a new game. Drink every time I drop my potato peeler in the trash can.

7:25 – I am done peeling potatoes. I have already exceeded the 15 minutes of allotted time. I have a drink to drown my sorrows.

7:27 – I begin to chop potatoes.

7:33 – Captain’s Log: The Potatoes have been chopped, and are currently being par cooked. This appears to be a fancy word for microwaved. I propose a toast to my newfound knowledge.

7:34 – I begin to chop peppers.

7:35 – I go blind in my right eye from squirting pepper juice. I have a drink because it hurts.

7:37 – The potatoes go in the pan. I have a drink because they look very lonely in there.

7:38 – I begin to chop onions. I start to cry. I have a drink because I’m sad.

7:41 – Everything else goes in the pan. I have a drink because I’m happy that all the vegetables are friends now.

7:43 – I go blind in my right eye again from popping grease. I don’t have a drink because I’m too busy cursing Big Breakfast for my problems.

7:46 – Captain’s Log: The eggs have been added. I have had a drink because I decided “You can’t make an omelet without breaking a few eggs” is a stupid saying. Why the hell would anyone want an omelet? All they do is make you fart.

7:46 ½  – Everything goes in the oven. I have a drink in celebration because my eyes are now protected by a sheet of glass.

7:4? – I check the eggs. They don’t look done. I drink to pass the time.

7:51 – I check the eggs again. There appears to be some kind of film on top of them. I don’t have a drink because I’m slightly disgusted.

7:53 – I check the eggs. They still don’t look like they’re done. I have a drink because I’m frustrated.

7:55 – I pull the entire thing out of the oven. I have a drink because I overcooked the damn eggs.

7:56 – I take this lovely picture. I drink because it’s so damn beautiful.

8:00 – Almost a full hour after starting I get to eat my hash. I have a drink because a drink with dinner is good for you.

I don’t know if it’s the Cast Irons talking but this is fantastic even with my eggs as overcooked as I am. I propose a toast to the end of toast. With excellent breakfast options like this, why in God’s name would I ever eat toast?

I want to fill a pool with this stuff and throw a Hash Bash. I want to eat so much of it I develop Hash Rash. I want to hide a bunch of it for later in my Hash Stash.

This was way too many Cast Irons.

I drink to my greatness, for I have discovered a way for me to enjoy breakfast food. If I ever want to enjoy it at breakfast time I’ll have to start drinking at 7 a.m., but that seems like a small price to pay for something this damn good.

Recipe: 4.2/5.1

Did I do the Dishes? No