I came to two conclusions this week. First, if I ever want to finish this thing I’m going to have to double up on recipes. Second, I do not look good in straight-on photos right now. Those two realizations drove me to select this week’s dish, a healthy triple header, Ultra-Crisp-Skinned Pan-Roasted Salmon Filets (Page 380) with Cherry Tomato-Shallot Relish (Page 382) and Braised Asparagus (Page 445).

Sounds healthy on paper. The amount of grease on my hands and keyboard disagree.

My first hiccup occurred at the grocery store. Confession time, I have no idea what a shallot is. I thought it was a type of fish. I first looked for them next to the salmon. I found scallops, but not shallots.

Shallots are not a meat, so they must be a vegetable. I next went to the lettuce section. I found parsley, something else I needed. I only needed two tablespoons of the useless stuff, but you have to buy an entire head. I am not pleased. Olive Garden doesn’t use this much parsley during Never-Ending Pasta Month.

Shallots are not a leafy vegetable, so I went to the mushroom section. I did not find shallots.

Shallots are not a fungus, so I went to the potato section. I did not find shallots.

In the far back reaches of the produce section sits a world nearly untouched by the hands of man, the onion section. There you will find the shallot, next to a wise old guru who makes fun of you for not knowing what a shallot is. Apparently it’s just a tiny, oddly-shaped onion. Super exciting.

Back to the kitchen. I consulted the ten pages of The Food Lab dedicated to Ultra-Crisp-Skinned Pan-Roasted Salmon and decided that the author has too much time on his hands and uses too many adjectives.

I prepared all of my ingredients before I started cooking, which is a very new step for me. My kitchen preparations generally consist of opening the freezer, then opening the microwave.

Prep takes too long. If I was on Chopped I would have wasted my entire 20 minutes on the near-impossible task of chopping parsley. I tried banging my knife on the cutting board, rocking it back and forth, pulling it apart with my hands, yelling at it and cursing loudly. Nothing worked at achieving perfect little parsley pieces. Eventually I ended up with three separate parsley piles. The first was salvageable but still probably still too big. The second was a pile of parsley leaves large enough to fan the Pharaoh. The third was stems, all of which still had parsley on them despite my noble efforts. I think they make you buy so much of this worthless garnish because they want it to haunt your home even after you’re done cooking.

As I chopped my shallot I began to cry. I don’t think it’s an emotional attachment to the shallot I spent so long looking for, but I did go through a lot for this little member of the onion family. I’ve now cried twice in three days, over shallots and the St. Louis Rams moving to Los Angeles. This cooking thing is making me soft.

I started off by browning the asparagus in oil. Once it was browned I braised it by adding three tablespoons of butter and covering. So far I’m counting three tablespoons of butter and two tablespoons of oil.

I’m supposed to cook the salmon with the skin on in hot oil and flip for the final few seconds when the “skin releases” whatever the hell that means. That’s three tablespoons of butter and four tablespoons of oil for those playing along at home.

I combined the tomatoes, shallots, parsley, balsamic vinegar and oil together to create the relish. That’s three tablespoons of butter and six tablespoons of oil. I know why we’re going to run out of oil one day, it’s all on my plate.

My hopes of this actually being a healthy meal have gone away, but at this point it smells pretty damn good, so I don’t really care. Healthy crap can start tomorrow.

Disaster strikes. The first piece of fish flipped easily. The second flipped on the counter like it was trying to get back for mating season. I captured it with my bare hands before he found his way to the floor. For that brief moment, I was the Crocodile Hunter.

By now the asparagus, butter, oil, and chicken broth bonanza is supposed to have cooked down to a glaze. Mine looks more like a soup. I’m hungry and I’m not picky. I decide the poor asparagus has served his time in the pan-itentiary and it gets out early for good behavior.

Looking at my pieces I find myself overwhelmed with pride, and decide to attempt to plate my dish with a little bit of presentation like they do on the TV.

Eat your heart out Scott Conant. I can hear the applause from here.

The salmon turned out incredible. It was tender with crispy skin. It had all of the good of salmon and none of the bad. Biggest deal for me? It didn’t take very long. I’m pretty proud of myself. This one’s going in the back pocket for quick evening meals that are possibly but probably not healthy.

I loved the relish, but hated the preparation time. Chopping parsley, tomatoes and shallots takes way too much time. Plus, you can buy relish from a hot dog cart anyway.

The asparagus I enjoyed. I should probably have cooked it down longer because it was still a little firm. I’ve always loved asparagus though so I don’t mind. The most fun part about eating asparagus hasn’t happened yet as of this writing, and you probably don’t want to read about that anyway.

Now, my house smells like fish. The 1000 page cookbook doesn’t cover how to eliminate it. Sorry coworkers, but I made two pieces and only ate one. You’ll get to experience the sensation in person tomorrow.

Recipe Rating: 14/15

Did I do the dishes? Yes